Category Archives: Memoirs From an Insane Asylum

These stories are just random crazy stuff that’s in my head. None of these stories are true and some of them are short stories ideas. Forget grammar, spelling, structure, etc… It’s just what falld out of my head.

Work really sucks

Work really sucks.  It causes headaches, ulcers and back pain.  You deal with stupid people and many more stressful events.  But there is a cure to all of this, quit.  That’s right, quit.  You can take it in a bottle, in a shot, or even in a fist.  I’ve been taking quit for 27 years now and I feel great.  Warning: quite can cause starvation, insanity, depression, anal leakage, and untimely death.  You should take quit on a high-speed car chase.

I got a job at a deli

I got a job at a deli.  I was in charge of the bagels and muffins.  I worked there for about three weeks and I really liked the job.  The people were nice and the customers were cool.  But one day this weird looking guy came in, he looked like he just murdered someone and liked it.  He comes up to my counter and says to me in a low voice, “I want a Thomas English Muffin with nooks but no crannies, if I see one cranny I’m going to jump over this counter and chop your pancreas out.”  Right then and there I got up and quit.  I don’t know what a pancreas does but I think having it in my body is a good idea.

Box of candies and flowers sticking out of your rectum

Imagine going to the doctors with a box of candies and flowers sticking out of your rectum.  How do you explain what happened to you?  Your ego won’t let you say, “my wife beat me up.”  So I guess you can say, “My wife decided that it would look better if flowers were sticking out of my anus rather than a vase and why let the candy take the long route to my large intestines.”

Warranty connected with your diploma

There should be a warranty connected with your diploma. Why don’t colleges have a disclaimer in their admissions manual,  “If you don’t get a job in 60 days, you get your money back.  Just take your diploma down to your school and say ‘this thing is defective I want my money back.’”  Don’t leave until you get your money or when they call the police, whatever comes first.